Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
