Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
