now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
