shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
