I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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