I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
