Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
