and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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