How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
