My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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