My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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