is your mom at the bar?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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