She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
