omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
