Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize