get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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