Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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