what day is it and did you see me today?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
