is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
