dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
