genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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