Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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