yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
