you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
