we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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