I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
