my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
