i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
