Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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