Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize