Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
