Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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