I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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