guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
