every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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