last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
