my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
