wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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