My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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