I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
