Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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