I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
