I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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