**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
