You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
