if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
