You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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