yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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