Moan for me like Helen Keller
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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