Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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