We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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