please come you make the beer taste better
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
