I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
