Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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