I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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