I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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